1. Set as few rules as possible; then stick to them. Avoid getting into
battles over trivial issues by setting arbitrary rules. Arguments over
jeans or long hair simply aren’t worth the grief. Each nagging word
weakens your position until you reach a point where what you say is
meaningless to your child and he just tunes you out. So save your
disapproval and discipline for something important.
2. Expect your rules to be tested. If your family standards are based
on deep convictions rather than day-to-day whims, your children will be
likely to respect them. But every child tests the boundaries of acceptable
behavior as part of growing up, so bear in mind that this period of
testing is a positive one, even though it may be upsetting for you.
3. Expect good behavior and you’ll probably get it. A child who is
labeled a troublemaker, either at home or in school, will conform to that
judgment because he’ll begin to believe it’s true. Stress a child’s
positive traits rather than emphasizing his shortcomings, and he will
probably respond by wanting and trying to live up to your faith in him.
4. Always listen attentively. It hurts a child’s feelings if his
parent is too busy to listen to him. Retreating by reading a newspaper or
doing your work when a youngster needs to talk to you may close off the
possibility of real, comforting communication. Teenagers need responsive
feedback from their parents, and the best way to give it is to listen when
they talk.
5. Maintain the generation gap. Teenagers resent parents who try to a
part of their world just as much as they are offended by indifference or
rejection. Take a stand on your own ideas and values even when they are
different from your son’s or daughter’s. And remember that upholding
your own views doesn’t mean you are forcing your youngster to agree with
you.
6. Don’t moralize. As they test standards, teenagers may say things
that astound their parents. But nothing turns them off faster than hearing
you preach to them, particularly when you repeat the same message again
and again.
7. Try not to make promises that you can’t keep. This is a difficult
rule to adhere to, but if you must break a promise, try to have an excuse
that is valid in your teenager’s eyes. If you do have to change a
promise, don’t hesitate to do so, but plan to make it up to him/her on
some other occasion.
8. Let your teenagers work out their own life-styles. Everyone is
different from everyone else. Parents should learn to accept the
individuality of their children, just as they do that of adults. So don’t
hold up the son or daughter of a friend or relative as an example of a
satisfactory child. Try to keep long-range goals in mind when a teenager
shows an early desire to go his own way. This is likely to be a healthy
sign of growth.
9. Let your children enjoy being children. How many times have you
heard a parent boast about his child’s advanced accomplishments? Parents
who do this don’t really respect children. They treat them like
miniature adults. Childhood is over all too soon for most of us; it should
be a time of pleasure and delight, when a youngster learns at his own pace
instead of conforming to a parental timetable.
10. Don’t worry when they don’t talk. So what if your teenager
doesn’t always feel like telling you what he/she is doing? Youngsters
prefer sharing a good many of their feelings and thoughts with friends
close to their own age, rather than with their parents. If you think back
to your own adolescence, you’ll remember how important it was for you
to reserve some secrets to be told only to a special friend.
11. Enlist the help of your older children in understanding the younger
ones. If you have two children in or approaching adolescence, ask your
older child for advice or insight regarding the younger one’s behavior
from time to time. It’s a marvelous way to bring them into your
thoughts, and since brothers and sisters do know things about each other
that you probably don’t, they can help you through the inevitable rough
periods.
12. Be patient. Allow your adolescents to make their own mistakes,
accepting their failures as not only forgivable but as a necessary part of
learning to cope with life. We become impatient and unforgiving because we
equate our children’s failures with our own. Parents need to learn that
their sons and daughters are separate human beings and not extensions of
themselves.
13. Respect their privacy. Nothing is more upsetting to an adolescent
than to have his privacy invaded by parental prying–listening in on
phone conversations, reading his mail, inspecting desks and drawers. You
may have some anxious moments in sticking to this rule if you happen to be
suspicious about something, but resist the urge to snoop. Your efforts in
refraining from the temptation to do so will earn the trust of your
children–and increase the chances for cooperation between you.
14. Don’t be afraid to admit that you’re human and can make
mistakes, too. Your children might as well hear it from your own lips.
Showing a teenager that you are not inflexible or dictatorial will help
him rely on you more, not less. Knowing he can trust you to be fair and
see his side of the problem will encourage him to listen to your advice
rather than to rebel against it.
15. Try not to condemn. Some teenagers are more independent than
others, which is often a source of family conflict when parents disapprove
of their decisions. Although your youngster may strain your patience to
the limit, do refrain from condemning him; this will only drive him
further away from you. Let him know when you disagree with him, but always
leave the door open for friendly communication. Some teenagers need to
stumble and grope for their own values before they can find a sense of
identity. As long as you are honest about your feelings, and loving and
respectful of theirs, they will develop endurance and character.
16. Don’t get caught in the middle. Young people may try to
manipulate their parents by going to Mom and Dad, as the case may be, with
secrets they don’t want the other parent to know. This kind of family
conspiracy is difficult to live with and may be extremely harmful to
family relationships.
17. Let your children know that they mean everything in the world to
you. If your teenager accomplishes something that you are proud of, praise
him/her for it. All young people need love and respect, so give it to them
freely. Your teenager needs to know that you love him no matter what
happens.
18. Be available when they need you. So what if you miss that special
television show or are late to a party or have to drive a long way to take
your teen-agers to a meeting, picking up four of their friends on the way.
They will be grateful, and you won’t be troubled by foolish guilt over
those times when you do something for yourself, first.
19. Don’t try so hard to communicate. If you try too hard you may
find that your teenager will view your efforts as nagging or prying.
Actions speak louder than words. What you do will communicate itself far
better than your attempts to use gimmicky, verbal techniques for
communications.
20. Remember that the years of active parenthood are nearly over. Being
a parent of a teenager is, in many ways, the hardest part of parenthood.
But one whose children are all grown, summed up the final reward:
"Today our kids, secure in their own responsibilities, independence,
and significance, are returning home as though it were a mecca. This
returning is the complete fulfillment of parenthood."
From parent education materials by the Family Support Center, Bethesda,
MD
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Tips
for Parents:
Building Self-Confidence
1. Ask your child for suggestions for activities you can do together.
This is a great way to let your child know you value his or her ideas.
2. Allow for mistakes; tell your child that nobody’s perfect and help
your child correct the error. If you make a mistake, the way you handle it
will send a message to your child about ways to handle mistakes.
3. Give your child real responsibility–regular chores, including
those requiring some thought and decision making.
4. Give lots of encouragement, and praise effort, not just
achievements.
5. Encourage your child to find an activity that he or she enjoys–hobbies,
sports, cooking, computers, a musical instrument, collecting stamps, and
many other possibilities.
6. Show your children that you love them—a parent can’t give too
many hugs, kisses, or pats on the back.
7. When correcting, criticize the action, not your child.
8. Allow for disagreements it’s important for your child to know that
it’s okay to ask question and that you feel free to discuss differences
that come up.
From a training manual by the Family Support Center.
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